Last time I cried

        It is embarrassing for a Korean man to cry. Born as a proud Korean man, I’m allowed to cry only when I am born, when my parents pass away, and when my nation perishes. However, although a tiny, trivial ordeal compared to these, the physics research camp last winter vacation finally made me cry. I was weak. However, by sharing this experience I believe I can build a stronger self.

        Our club ‘Hyewoomnarae’ participates in a physics debate competition, and conducts researches during the winter camp. Mr. Kim, our teacher, is a very strict person with robust philosophies and convictions. I had been the captain of this club, but for some disgraceful event he fired me, and I lost trust from him. After that the camp was a continuation of sorrow and distress.

             First, I suffered from overwhelming pressure and responsibility. An ambiguous position as a resigned captain made me feel both guiltiness and duty. I might have caused harm to the club by confusing the members and delaying their work while the captain was being replaced. Moreover, I was still the practical leader of the club for a while: leadership is not something that can instantaneously change by some external force. This situation imposed great moral pressure on me, and made me work really hard. I not only researched hard on my own given problem, but shared thoughts and established theoretical models for other members’ researches, and led our discussion productively.

             However, no matter how hard I worked, I was a careless and immature student who was harmful to the club in Mr. Kim’s point of view. This was my second suffering: unfair scolding. It seemed that my hard works were all concealed and my smallest mistakes were exaggerated enormously. The presentation that I had prepared last night until 5 a.m. was harshly censured for it lacked a few intermediate equations, and for it revealed my “egocentric inertia”. One of the members had a blurred image in her presentation, and instead of her, he blamed me harshly for being indifferent to other members’ work. Honestly, I paid much attention to her research, and even helped her taking photographs, but simply I couldn’t check every single mistake of her presentation.

The biggest sorrow was that whenever he scolded me he directly insulted my individuality, my moral personality itself. That made me distressed and nervous. I sincerely desired a single peaceful day without such rebuke. However, that desire itself caused another rebuke, which directly made me cry.

During my presentation, Mr. Kim asked me if I’ve done additional research on a particular subject, and I lied, unconsciously, perhaps finding a way to avoid scolding. However, the truth was easily revealed, and I suddenly realized, ‘What have I done?’ Now Mr. Kim’s anger reached its maximum. However, his anger did not come into my mind: I was angrier to myself. This time it was not an exaggerated minor mistake. Lying was against not only Mr. Kim’s moral standards but also my own standards. I really had to tell him the truth. Well, perhaps the extreme mental suffering made me avoid the very situation. Still I was ashamed: was my spirit weak enough to be broken by such distress? Perhaps I am immature and careless, exactly as Mr. Kim says. Embarrassingly, after I exited Mr. Kim’s office, I burst into tears.

That night I sincerely reflected myself. What made me weak? Then I thought, were my hard efforts done for the club itself or for Mr. Kim’s recognition? If not the latter case, why am I expecting some kind of approval from him?

After that I kept reminding myself that my work was for my inner motivation. That made me more comfortable, and somehow since then Mr. Kim did not terribly scold me. At the end the winter camp was peaceful, and productive: anyway we won the competition!